A Long Road Home

I dont know who looks at this but if you do you have gotten glimpses of the twists, turns, cracks, and crannies along the way. I briefly get a glimpse of the present path I am standing on and recognize it just has to be part of it regardless of how wrecked it looks. Sometimes there are roadsigns sometimes I wonder if I lost the trail somewhere along the way, but the further I go it is increasingly lonely and uncharted. I often question if it is worth it and then the sense of adventure and curiosity gets the best of me, saying, "If I just go a little further what if I turn back and I miss out on the best part." So here I find myself again one foot in front of the other hoping I am going about this in the right way. "New roads; new ruts." G.K. Chesterton. So will I make it to the end will I find what I am looking for? That I still cannot answer but I can't resist the opportunity, here's hoping I never can.
"A person with half volition goes backwards and forwards but makes no progress on even the smoothest of roads." Thomas Carlyle. Not my will be done but Your's.

I am scared to be known for who I really am

I am in a constant masquerade and in my poor judgement up until this point I think I have thought it was fun. It seems each day is just a new one for me and I choose my mask carefully which one will be most socially acceptable what will make me more loveable and appealing. I always seem to show up though and don't have the right theme or I am one step behind the fashion trend, figuritively thinking. I don't know why I choose to confess this where anyone can read this but nobody probably will. Partially cause the internet is where I spend most of my time these days mostly by default rather then choice. The internet is also the place where I also live; a world that I create from textiles of fantasy rather then reality. I can play the game here and nobody would know the difference. I long to be known for who I am but I am too chicken because I am afraid nobody would love the naked me. But there is LOVE not the thing the person who I am counting on showing up to save me.
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." James Arthur Baldwin.
Please save me from myself.

Will the monster always win?

I am currently caught in a tangled web of mess in my mind about motives, the purpose of life, and my role in it all. I wonder how often I will do what I dont want to do.
"Man is to himself the most wonderful object in nature; for he cannot conceive what the body is, still less what the mind is, and least of all how a body should be united to a mind. This is the consummation of his difficulties, and yet this is his very being." Pascal

What am I waiting for?

I often feel like I am waiting for my life to begin. I am not exactly sure what I am waiting for but I feel like I am getting robbed of the present. I have taken many hours and maybe even days to consider this but how is it that one begins to live in the present?
"Those great efforts of intellect, upon which the mind sometimes touches, are such that it cannot maintain itself there. It only leaps to them, not as upon a throne, forever, but merely for an instant." Pascal
Maybe I will not know the fullness of each passing moment this side of heaven, but I will continue to search for the measuring stick of truth and the perspective of eternity. In the meantime I will watch the time tick by without my consent and I will continue to adapt and grow. But how I wish I had the courage to rush down the stairs.

The Greatest Addiction is Fantasy

"We do not content ourselves with the life we have in ourselves and in our being; we desire to live an imaginary life in the mind of others, and for this purpose we endeavor to shine. We labor unceasingly to adorn and preserve this imaginary existence and neglect the real."
"Religiousness can sometimes be like an inoculation. They give you something like the real thing so when the real thing comes along you are already immune to it."
I WANT THE REAL THING! Truth is always truth and if you want it with all your heart it will find you. Here is to bumping into truth.

blind smile

"When I consider the short duration of my life, swallowed up in the eternity before and after, the little space which I fill and even can see, engulfed in the infinite immensity of spaces of which I am ignorant and which know me not, I am frightened and am astonished at being here rather than there. For there is no reason why here rather than there, why now rather than then.
Nothing is so insufferable to man as to be completely at rest, without passions, without business, without diversion, without study. He then feels his nothingness, his forlornness, his insufficiency, his dependence, his weakness, his emptiness. There will immediately rise from the depth of his heart weariness, gloom, sadness, fretfulness, vexation, despair." Pascal

"and I still havent found what I'm looking for" U2