By Candlelight

Things seem so much more inspired, romantic, slow by candlelight. Being in Darwin has reminded me to slow down. Breathing has come to my attention again the deep sweet scent of air that is appreciated. It has been brought to my attention again that in light of eternity, our lives here are but a vapor so brief and fragile. I don't want to spend any of my time worrying or wishing for things that arent here. They say the only earthly time that can touch eternity is the present moment because that is where action is and the ability to co create with God.
If it takes candlelight to remember the sweet life that I get to enjoy because of Jesus' great sacrifice then I will invest in a life supply. I will admit I am not very good at staying in this place but I realize it takes practice. So I will try to take time to close my eyes breathe in deeply and take a second, more careful look at the life that has been trusted to me.

Blossom

I once had a revelation that we don't descriminate against flowers. I was walking down the road one day and I love nature anyways but, I noticed all the different kinds of flowers. I had the realization that we don't think some flowers are not acceptable because their stems are to long and skinny, or their petals are too round and soft. Albeit different flowers envoke different emotions and are used for different occasions and may even have a fonder place in your heart then some but to each his own.
I find that women are a lot like flowers different shapes and sizes draw out different emotions etc. Yet we usually have a clear picture in our minds of what is beautiful.

I have fought my whole life to be beautiful and I still don't know what it means. First I wanted to be beautiful in my dad's eyes but he was too preoccupied with women dancing on the tables. Then I tried to learn beauty from my mother but I look like my dad and she was the typical don't have to try pretty. Then I wanted to please my friends in school, finally I got a boyfriend and I wanted him to think me the most captivating thing on earth so I tried to figure out what the most attractive thing is to a teenage boy so that quickly turned into sex.

I have dyed my hair blonde cut it short straightened it (I have naturally brown curly hair). I spent every penny on keeping up the facade of cool well put together cutting edge woman, when I had no idea what a woman really is. I joined different clubs for the impression they made, I hung with the brains the cheerleaders the jocks and the student government. I was and am an emotional junkie just trying to find my next fix. I need to feel loved appreciated important and currently the only way I really know how to do this is by comparison and approval of man. There is a problem with that it isn't how we were designed.

When I realized I would not be the next Heidi Klum, or nobel peace prize winner, I quickly rejected mainstream anything and prided myself on being a scenester wherever that scene may be. You know the cats I am talking about the ones who have made it trendy not to be trendy.

Now I am coming out of trying the religous hat on and man have I learned some valuable lessons. I know how to speak Christainese now, I can find my way through the books of the Bible, I know the difference between denominations, I can look like I am worshipping well, but even that didn't give me the fullfillment I need. I can recongnize and I know not even fully that I need Jesus the man the divinity. The funny thing is I have Him and He is waiting on me. I often wonder if the grueling process is just how it goes or if I am being stubborn. Why can't I have a conversion like Paul's?

So the point is well I am not sure there is a point but the point is I want to be, I need to be, free in who I was created to be. I want to be a flower confident in my creation and purpose. I want to simply exist reflecting glory. I want to bloom unashamedly with not a thought to the withering that follows. I don't know how this is done maybe it doesn't happen this side of Heaven.

I will get this! ""Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

Faceless Confessions

I don't know where to begin this post. It started by spending too much time on the computer, watching too many movies, dredging up old memories, and fantasizing about the future. I am really hopeless at living in the moment. Now seems worse then ever mostly because I am aware of it and it is shocking. So I will try, mostly for my sake to convey what this is about. If at any point you get confused or bored the picture should suffice.

I am currently faceless. I have no idea where I fit, who I am, where I am going, where I come from, etc. Everything is just suspended in time it seems. I thought I could define myself by religion morals laws good works. I have also tried to define myself by someone else, materialism, popularity, intelligence, talent. None of it sticks. Looking back now I can clearly see I prayed a dangerous prayer not so long ago, that nothing would satisfy me but God and not only that but it would taste bitter to me like drinking a tall glass of sand on a hot day. Well at least I know God listens.

I have been antsy, frustrated, lonely, bitter, angry, confused, childish, etc. all because God listens to me and knows this is the best for me, I really need to believe that. I compare, I judge, I am independent, rebellious, opinionated, I hide behind countless things and it is all disintigrating before my eyes.

This picture better describes my understanding of myself and my place in this world then words ever could. The feeling is like that of when I just don't know what else to do so I spin until I feel sick cause I would rather the world fade into a blurred carousel of confusion then have to deal anymore.

I will be better at the end of this. I will know my identity in Christ and be satisfied. One thing I do know about myself is I have nothing left but Jesus, I can't give up on this because I will cease to exist.

So here is to finding ones reflection more clearly each day in the mirror of I AM. I wish it were fast and painless but it isn't and I am holding on to the hope of the unseen the unimaginable. Pray that all will stop spinning and I will find myself loved and resting in the infinite. I will wake from this horrible dream.

The Paradox of Trials

I have turned to images, expressions, music, and sometimes silence to help me better understand things where words just don't belong. This imparticular image I found on the wall of a building as I walked the streets of Darwin. She was just there frozen in her affliction, black tear resting on her despondent cheek. It has such a sense of motion, it made me spin into a series of concentric thoughts... What happened to this beauty to cause a look that can make my insides want to tear? How could one so capture the sorrow of a soul with cheap black spray paint on a white cement wall? What more perfect medium then the cold stone and the black and white of pain? What happened after that moment captured in time did her despair swollow her up or did she breathe in deeply and collect the pieces and start again?

On my journey of faith I have pondered many times the sorrows of this world; both my own and the general human race. So often the question is asked by non-believers and believers alike, "Why?", to all the suffering and sorrow. I still don't know why but here are some thoughts I have collected.

"The more sorrow one encounters, the more joy one can contain."

" God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

"God weaps with us so we can one day laugh with Him."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

"Sorrow makes us children again." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I assure you whoever does not welcome the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Mark 10:15

It is humbling and mind boggling really to even begin to get your head around this. I just pray I am never to busy trying to understand it to walk in the faith of an empty hand. We have a priest that suffered great sorrow who can and does intercede for us. "My sould is swallowed up in sorrow-to the point of death." Matt 26:38.Oh, that our sorrows of this world would bore out wells to hold the joy and freedom that Jesus bought for us, and we might begin to understand the sweetness of that love and sacrifice. "So you also have sorrow now. But I will see you again. Your hearts will rejoice, and no one will rob you of your joy." John 16:22.

When will You be enough for me? Forgive my adulterous heart that causes us both pain.

I am afraid

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

We just don't get it do we?