Walking Slowly Home

I am surprised at how dull I am in comparison to how highly I think of myself. Last night I was humbled by the tenderness of a hug. I wish that I was as strong as I make people think, I wish that I could blame this all on other people letting me down, I wish all of this was easier. Life just isn't supposed to work that way. After two years of making drastic changes in my life, I have finally worn myself out enough so as only to be able to sit at the feet of Jesus and hope He can make sense of some of this. I was surprised as I sat in my desperation how quickly He responds and how simply. He came without judgement, explanation, demands, formulas, just an embrace. I needed a hug on the inside, a touch where fingers can't go. Only the sharp accuracy of the Holy Spirit could cut through all this shit I am trying to tread just to keep my head above water. And there I was bare before Him and I know it is only the beginning because even as I sit here and write this I wonder what I have to do to get back there or how I can make my life more consistant. But there was none of that it was just a simple revelation that came of how much I have and continue to screw things up and how much I need saving. I sense the deep beauty of this love and I am scared but this world has nothing left to offer me but the backdrop to my slow walk home.

I am not sleeping, I am not awake.

I still have my eyes open at 1:05 a.m. on Friday morning stuck in the megapixels of cyber crap. I am living vicariously through the instantaneous information that comes at the bidding of my fingertips. It is all bullshit I am firing electrodes to some of the synapses in my brain so as to feel stimulated, connected, cultured, alive. But here my body sits and my sould tells me otherwise. Yet I continue to write this in hope that I will be heard and someone will come to the rescue. I am addicted to this shadow of a fragment of an imagianary life... pretty low. I want to be one of the people everybody is watching live their lives hoping one day they can imitate whatever it is that makes them envious of my living. Then I want to turn to them shake them hard and tell them to grab their coat get on their feet and start living their own damn life.
There is more then this I know it, I am going to find it even if it takes to my last breath. No doubt tomorrow I will wake up and still buy into the American drip of a dream but the difference is I am no longer in my comatose state. The anesthetic of your silver lined lies is wearing off and though I feel the burn of your barbed misgivings, I am determined to let you have my flesh, feast on it if you will. I REJECT YOU WORLD POWER! There is a deep magic of eternity that you know nothing about, a sweet balm to my soul that you cannot touch or taint.
Jesus only your strong and steady hand can minister the salve of Truth. Oh that I would have the courage to face the atrocity of my condition and the widsom to know and accept your way as the one that cure this disease.

There is nothing

I have no image for this season to make it look more beautiful or tragically artisitc, I have no beautifully poetic words to make this seem deep or interesting, I only have the pain that drives me to find a solution. I wish I could turn it into something nice to hear about but it isn't. My life is a painful mystery and I realize that I have been living in such a way as to find someone or something who could unlock some sort of peace or beauty or just understanding so I could come to terms with my plight, but I haven't found that yet. I thought Christianity would be it, being the natural human zeal of it all, and I fear my zeal is failing. I have treated Jesus as a make shift "Santa Clause, or a pop psychologist" but He is Lord; a word that doesn't even fit into my vocabulary in its right sense. Some tell me, this is part of the process and, it is good that you recognize it, but I know my heart. I have come close to God and counted the costs, I have weighed and measured, and the truth is I am a coward. "Self" haunts me, I still believe the lies fed to me on my silver spoon, and I continue to tell God it is too hard to live a life devoted to something I can't feel or see.
Even now I feel a tightening in my stomach as images of "The Passion" flash in my head and I know that I don't know what true sacrifice is. I am tortured by the oscilation from world to eternity and back again, and I long just to get off this spinning wheel even if it is just to settle; at least that is how I feel at the moment. I am a missionary, I have given all I know up to prove maybe to myself or to the world or maybe even to God that "religion" will save us. That is not how it all started however, I can't really remember that part but I was never a supporter of religion or duty, so I must have had a change of heart towards the person of Jesus Christ, where did that resolve go?
I have no where else to turn, I have to hang on for my very survival. I need to meet the eyes of a man named Jesus and I need to know it is His gaze that make all the wrongs right. I need to know that it is more then behavior reform, more then religion, better then anything I can get here on earth. To be honest I don't really know where else to go or what else to do. But lucky for me I dont have any other viable options. So here is to being so desperate that I just have to wait. Here is to the desert where I can only thirst for the tender whisper of my God. Please pray that I will be made new and free in the life that God so freely offers to breathe on me. I don't know what I am doing wrong but I pray that this is not it. There is something that needs to break. I am tired of trying I just want to rest and trust in the arms of my Father, I want to even know Him really as Father. I desperately want to know Jesus as husband. There are so many things I know He promises but somewhere between the promise and the search I have been left wanting. Only God can help me now.