Blossom

I once had a revelation that we don't descriminate against flowers. I was walking down the road one day and I love nature anyways but, I noticed all the different kinds of flowers. I had the realization that we don't think some flowers are not acceptable because their stems are to long and skinny, or their petals are too round and soft. Albeit different flowers envoke different emotions and are used for different occasions and may even have a fonder place in your heart then some but to each his own.
I find that women are a lot like flowers different shapes and sizes draw out different emotions etc. Yet we usually have a clear picture in our minds of what is beautiful.

I have fought my whole life to be beautiful and I still don't know what it means. First I wanted to be beautiful in my dad's eyes but he was too preoccupied with women dancing on the tables. Then I tried to learn beauty from my mother but I look like my dad and she was the typical don't have to try pretty. Then I wanted to please my friends in school, finally I got a boyfriend and I wanted him to think me the most captivating thing on earth so I tried to figure out what the most attractive thing is to a teenage boy so that quickly turned into sex.

I have dyed my hair blonde cut it short straightened it (I have naturally brown curly hair). I spent every penny on keeping up the facade of cool well put together cutting edge woman, when I had no idea what a woman really is. I joined different clubs for the impression they made, I hung with the brains the cheerleaders the jocks and the student government. I was and am an emotional junkie just trying to find my next fix. I need to feel loved appreciated important and currently the only way I really know how to do this is by comparison and approval of man. There is a problem with that it isn't how we were designed.

When I realized I would not be the next Heidi Klum, or nobel peace prize winner, I quickly rejected mainstream anything and prided myself on being a scenester wherever that scene may be. You know the cats I am talking about the ones who have made it trendy not to be trendy.

Now I am coming out of trying the religous hat on and man have I learned some valuable lessons. I know how to speak Christainese now, I can find my way through the books of the Bible, I know the difference between denominations, I can look like I am worshipping well, but even that didn't give me the fullfillment I need. I can recongnize and I know not even fully that I need Jesus the man the divinity. The funny thing is I have Him and He is waiting on me. I often wonder if the grueling process is just how it goes or if I am being stubborn. Why can't I have a conversion like Paul's?

So the point is well I am not sure there is a point but the point is I want to be, I need to be, free in who I was created to be. I want to be a flower confident in my creation and purpose. I want to simply exist reflecting glory. I want to bloom unashamedly with not a thought to the withering that follows. I don't know how this is done maybe it doesn't happen this side of Heaven.

I will get this! ""Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin