Faceless Confessions

I don't know where to begin this post. It started by spending too much time on the computer, watching too many movies, dredging up old memories, and fantasizing about the future. I am really hopeless at living in the moment. Now seems worse then ever mostly because I am aware of it and it is shocking. So I will try, mostly for my sake to convey what this is about. If at any point you get confused or bored the picture should suffice.

I am currently faceless. I have no idea where I fit, who I am, where I am going, where I come from, etc. Everything is just suspended in time it seems. I thought I could define myself by religion morals laws good works. I have also tried to define myself by someone else, materialism, popularity, intelligence, talent. None of it sticks. Looking back now I can clearly see I prayed a dangerous prayer not so long ago, that nothing would satisfy me but God and not only that but it would taste bitter to me like drinking a tall glass of sand on a hot day. Well at least I know God listens.

I have been antsy, frustrated, lonely, bitter, angry, confused, childish, etc. all because God listens to me and knows this is the best for me, I really need to believe that. I compare, I judge, I am independent, rebellious, opinionated, I hide behind countless things and it is all disintigrating before my eyes.

This picture better describes my understanding of myself and my place in this world then words ever could. The feeling is like that of when I just don't know what else to do so I spin until I feel sick cause I would rather the world fade into a blurred carousel of confusion then have to deal anymore.

I will be better at the end of this. I will know my identity in Christ and be satisfied. One thing I do know about myself is I have nothing left but Jesus, I can't give up on this because I will cease to exist.

So here is to finding ones reflection more clearly each day in the mirror of I AM. I wish it were fast and painless but it isn't and I am holding on to the hope of the unseen the unimaginable. Pray that all will stop spinning and I will find myself loved and resting in the infinite. I will wake from this horrible dream.