There is nothing

I have no image for this season to make it look more beautiful or tragically artisitc, I have no beautifully poetic words to make this seem deep or interesting, I only have the pain that drives me to find a solution. I wish I could turn it into something nice to hear about but it isn't. My life is a painful mystery and I realize that I have been living in such a way as to find someone or something who could unlock some sort of peace or beauty or just understanding so I could come to terms with my plight, but I haven't found that yet. I thought Christianity would be it, being the natural human zeal of it all, and I fear my zeal is failing. I have treated Jesus as a make shift "Santa Clause, or a pop psychologist" but He is Lord; a word that doesn't even fit into my vocabulary in its right sense. Some tell me, this is part of the process and, it is good that you recognize it, but I know my heart. I have come close to God and counted the costs, I have weighed and measured, and the truth is I am a coward. "Self" haunts me, I still believe the lies fed to me on my silver spoon, and I continue to tell God it is too hard to live a life devoted to something I can't feel or see.
Even now I feel a tightening in my stomach as images of "The Passion" flash in my head and I know that I don't know what true sacrifice is. I am tortured by the oscilation from world to eternity and back again, and I long just to get off this spinning wheel even if it is just to settle; at least that is how I feel at the moment. I am a missionary, I have given all I know up to prove maybe to myself or to the world or maybe even to God that "religion" will save us. That is not how it all started however, I can't really remember that part but I was never a supporter of religion or duty, so I must have had a change of heart towards the person of Jesus Christ, where did that resolve go?
I have no where else to turn, I have to hang on for my very survival. I need to meet the eyes of a man named Jesus and I need to know it is His gaze that make all the wrongs right. I need to know that it is more then behavior reform, more then religion, better then anything I can get here on earth. To be honest I don't really know where else to go or what else to do. But lucky for me I dont have any other viable options. So here is to being so desperate that I just have to wait. Here is to the desert where I can only thirst for the tender whisper of my God. Please pray that I will be made new and free in the life that God so freely offers to breathe on me. I don't know what I am doing wrong but I pray that this is not it. There is something that needs to break. I am tired of trying I just want to rest and trust in the arms of my Father, I want to even know Him really as Father. I desperately want to know Jesus as husband. There are so many things I know He promises but somewhere between the promise and the search I have been left wanting. Only God can help me now.